Truth Time

I got really sick in class yesterday and I've spent the day laying on the couch writing a paper. I had a spurt of energy about an hour ago and used it to clean the house (especially to clean up all the cabinet painting gear in the kitchen so we can use our table again). I also made dinner (I have a home-seasoned pork tenderloin in the oven and cranberry sauce and mac-n-cheese)... mainly for Aaron. I don't think I could stomach that. My energy spurt just crashed and now I'm not feeling so hot anymore. Anyway... I didn't get on here to complain about being sick :)

My girliefriend Candace wanted to catch up with me, so I decided to send her a Facebook message to update her on life with the Jensens. Initially, I couldn't think of much to say... and then somehow, I started reflecting on everything God is doing to, in, and through me. I feel like some of it is worth sharing here.

I haven't exactly been forthcoming about something. Whenever people ask me, "So, when are you guys going to have kids," I usually say, "We can't," and leave it at that. But that's not the whole truth. The reason I've withheld info is because I don't want to be criticized for our lifestyle decisions. I don't want everybody and their mommas interjecting their two cents. However, God has really convicted me about this... God isn't honored in a lie (obviously) and if my testimony helps even just one other person, then praise God for that! I've also realized... it is what it is. Aaron and I have been married for three years-- this is OUR decision, no one else's. I expect our families to be happy for us if/when we do finally get pregnant. Yes, I used the word "finally". The truth is, Aaron and I have been trying to get pregnant since September 2008. Now, wipe the look of shock off your face :) We decided then that we wanted to start our family. I don't even know how to describe it other than to say that I was hit by the baby bug all of a sudden. I thought (and hoped & prayed) that it would go away. But it didn't. Initially, Aaron dug his heels in and said, "NO WAY!!!" But eventually he caved in. I am *not* pushing him into something he doesn't want-- he wants it every bit as much as I do. I just felt the need to be clear about that.

So, we started trying to get pregnant in August 2008. When I started paying more attention to my body, I noticed that I'd get these sharp pains in my upper groin area (where my ovaries are). I went to the doctor & she told me it was just normal ovulation pains. That reassured me that hopefully motherhood would be in my very near future. I don't even want to try to calculate how much money I wasted on ovulation detection tests and early pregnancy tests (yes, I was very impatient). But my doctor had assured me that everything was fine. I became VERY obsessed with getting pregnant to the point that it became all I cared about.

In July 2009 (my 22nd b-day), a nurse from my doctor's office finally returned a phone call. Apparently she didn't realize it was my birthday or she surely would have waited another day or two. She told me that infertility testing was not covered by our health insurance and that some of the standard tests cost about $4,000 (each, out of pocket). Happy birthday to me.

Aaron and I hadn't been to church in several months. I know it sounds stupid, but I was "mad" at God and wasn't about to go to church. I was mad that He allowed this to happen to me, to us. I was jealous of the 14 couples I know who got pregnant in the year and a half that we couldn't. I was suffering in silence. Believe me, if you have kids, there is just no possible way to imagine what I was going through. I felt like less of a woman. I felt inadequate. I felt like a freak of nature. I didn't know anyone who would understand that feeling, so I had no one to help me through this. All the while, Aaron was the suffer-in-silence type. He was hurting, but he didn't want to talk about it. And whenever I'd bring it up, he'd get all preachy and tell me, "God has a plan." Well, that was exactly the last thing I wanted to hear because I was feeling sorry for myself that my plan wasn't the one that was happening. On top of that, I was mad that my dad left my mom around that time. My dad had taught me nearly everything I knew about the Bible and about God, so when he turned completely away from God, all of that knowledge seemed false. I became deeply depressed and considered suicide a few times. I felt so helpless. I was just really distraught and there was no one to help me through it.

My mom came down for Christmas 2009 and the following Sunday, she wanted us to all go to church together. I admit, I really didn't want to go. But I woke up that morning and prayed, "God, if You're even real, if You love me at all, please show me today. I'm about to give up." The church my mom wanted us to go to was Blue Ridge Community Church. As soon as I walked into the atrium, I literally felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. I don't think I've ever felt that at any church before, and maybe that's why I allowed myself to pull away from God. Everyone stood up to sing and I was still trying to give God the silent treatment (how stupid...), so I didn't sing. Instead of preaching, Dave Kountz lead "A Look Back over 2009", which was video clips of all the different sermon series done that year. I just started crying. Literally every single thing they put up on the big screens made me cry. God convicted me so much, particularly over the issue of idolitary. No, I've never been a pagan and worshiped little idols, but I had idolized pregnancy/motherhood. I had idolized it to the point that instead of living for God, my life revolved around that. Before I made any decisions, I considered how that decision might impact or be impacted if we had a baby. Maybe that doesn't even make sense to anyone who hasn't gone through it. Another thing that I remember piercing my heart that day was the scripture of John 15. The way they put it up on the screens, breaking it down, it finally made sense to me. I'd never paid much attention to that passage of Scripture at all before that Sunday. All I could think was, "God, I am SO sorry!" I wondered how I could have ever let my life get to that point, about how I could just block out God like that, about how I could live so much for myself. At some point in the service (I'm 99% sure it was at the end of the service), the praise band sang, "From the Inside Out". At that point, I was a total mess just sobbing in my seat. Every word of that song pulled at my heart, and for the first time, I really meant it when I sang it. I started respecting God like I never had before, and, to be honest, I knew that after the way I treated Him, I deserved nothing less than to be struck down with some plague or something. I was just sitting in my seat, pouring my heart out before God and I asked him to remove this idol from me and like instantly, I just felt so much lighter. That hole in my heart was filled with God's love instead of jealousy and self-pity.

My husband and I went to "Sneak Peak", where we immediately knew this was the home church for us. I asked the woman(Monique or Monica, I believe) how this church views serving God and she basically said that if people are just looking for a pew to warm on Sunday mornings they can go do that somewhere else. I loved that! I started drawing so close to God, spending time in His Word every day, listening to Spirit Fm instead of Q99, surrounding myself with encouraging people, and doing anything I could think of to live a life honoring to God.

A couple weeks later was Intro to Blue Ridge. There, I met Jack Dunn and Janet Pino of Divorce Care. I was still really emotional about everything and was telling them about how hard my parents' divorce had been on me, but that I was really trying to forgive my dad. One thing led to another and I ended up joining the DC4K team. I have to say, I've never been to a church where DivorceCare was a ministry. Most churches consider divorce to be something taboo and don't want anything to do with a divorced family-- that's the kind of churches I grew up in. The "churches" where people would rather gossip than serve God and help people. Through DC4K, God used me to help other people and He helped me so much in the process. It was exactly what I needed. I'm still serving in DC4K and next semester I'm switching to DC4Teens and really praying for God to give the leadership wisdom about whether to start a group at a local high school (which I'd LOVE to help with!). I'm praying about going on a missions trip. Blue Ridge works with a prostitute rescue mission in Nicaragua, and I feel really drawn to that.

Meanwhile, the pain was occurring more frequently. On about 4 separate occasions, I had to have vaginal ultrasounds (painful!) to find out if I had ovarian cysts (which I did). Since I had cysts, my doctor said,"Oh, that's normal. It happens to every woman when she ovulates. Maybe your pain tolerance is just low... but you're fine. Everything is OK." Not knowing was the worst part. I *knew* there was something wrong with me, but being told I was fine + not getting pregnant in over a year was not adding up. It was eating me alive. I couldn't stand it. I was sick of being written off my doctors. I decided to start keeping a log of every time the pain happened. I recorded time of day, length of time, frequency, everything I did and ate those days. When my doctor looked at it, her eyes opened so huge and it was like it all clicked in that moment. "Oh, it looks like you have endometriosis... we'll need to do surgery to test for that". (The story about my surgery & all of that is in my very first blog entry from last March if you want to read it). I used the pill for 3 months to suppress the Endo lesions. Now Aaron and I are living a healthy lifestyle of soy-free, organic (well, mostly organic) food and walking/running a couple of miles with the dog at least every other day (unless it's rainy). I want to take care of myself.

God has done so much to, in and through me in the last year. I may never get pregnant and may never be able to adopt, but that's ok now. Aaron constantly reminds me, "Jen, God has something else in store for us." I have to remember to serve God NOW with the life I've been given instead of wanting a life I don't have. If I get pregnant, YAY!!! But if I don't, then I'll be content with that, too.

I just wanted to be honest about everything.