A Lot on My Mind

I have so much on my mind. I really trust God with everything because I know He loves us and we're where He wants us to be. It's just so frustrating sometimes when things don't go our way. It's not really the small things; it's the big things like Aaron's job uncertainty & my infertility. Those things bother me. They used to bother me a lot more. I used to cry myself to sleep at night and spent a lot of time mad at the world because it just seemed so unfair when everyone I knew was moving on to awesome careers & having kids (many of them on accident).

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is James 4: 13-17, which says, "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.' Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that." But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin," (NASB). I really like how the Message paraphrases those verses: "And now I have a word for you who brashly announce, 'Today—at the latest, tomorrow—we're off to such and such a city for the year. We're going to start a business and make a lot of money.' You don't know the first thing about tomorrow. You're nothing but a wisp of fog, catching a brief bit of sun before disappearing. Instead, make it a habit to say, 'If the Master wills it and we're still alive, we'll do this or that.' As it is, you are full of your grandiose selves. All such vaunting self-importance is evil. In fact, if you know the right thing to do and don't do it, that, for you, is evil."

Those verses always remind me to just pray, pray, pray for God to show me what to do with my life. Sometimes, like now that Aaron's job has been demoted to part-time status, there is a huge temptation to scramble together résumés(for Aaron) and pass them to any and every company that is hiring, just hoping that something comes up that will keep our bills paid. I just don't know what we're going to do... but I definitely trust God to show us. I'm praying for Aaron, too, because he always says he wants to serve God, but then he doesn't do anything about it. It's not entirely his fault; his manager now only makes the schedule on Sundays for the following week, which means he can't really commit to anything. I'm praying for God to open doors for that, too. He's going to apply for some jobs at LU, which I know he would just love. We're also still considering the military... We met with a National Guard recruiter a couple of weeks ago, but neither of us felt peace about that route-- at all(!!!). Aaron is getting information about the Air National Guard and thinking/praying about pursuing that after he graduates next summer. It just doesn’t make sense to go for it now—I’m in my last year of college, we’re tied down to a mortgage, and Aaron is determined to finish grad school. Aaron’s dream jobs would be airport administration, working for the FAA, working corporately for an airline, or working administratively for Lockheed Martin. There are so many more options for aviation jobs in the Air National Guard as opposed to the Army National Guard. He could get military training at no cost to us, plus they might pay back some of his student loans. I’d like to live in an area where I can become an interior designer & actually put my degree to good use. But, again, we’re praying for God to direct our steps and give us wisdom about which decisions to make.

About the infertility thing… For those of you who don’t know, Aaron and I can’t have kids because I have endometriosis on both of my ovaries. We had been trying for about a year and a half when I had to have surgery to find the cause of my severe abdominal pain last March. During the surgery, my doctor found endometriosis. After the surgery, I still couldn’t get pregnant, and my periods were becoming very erratic. My doctor put me back on the Pill to treat the Endo. She wants me to use Lupron, a monthly hormone suppressant injection that would put me into early menopause and make me fat & moody. Then, after a 6-month schedule of that poison, I *might* be able to get pregnant, but there are no guarantees. Also, it *might* cure the endometriosis, but it might not. For me, that’s just too much uncertainty for a $700/month ($150 to me) poison… It’s a little frustrating. Well, it’s very frustrating. I’m sick of people nonchalantly asking, “So, when are you guys going to have kids?” I think I’m going to start responding with, “When $18,000 magically appears in our bank account for IVF.” But I know it’ll be ok.

I need to start cooking again. I’ve been too busy to cook, so we’ve been eating fast food and pasta. What I’d give for grilled pork chops, grilled BBQ chicken, mashed potatoes, and salad. Mmm! Actually, we went to our friends’ house last night for dinner—amazing. Now I’m hungry lol.